Indian Marriages Drifting, Apart From Being Fat Affairs

It is stated and believed that marriages are made in heaven but performed on earth.Having flagged the issue this way, let us express concern about undesirable importance attached to spending part of it apart from hay wire situation plagueing the marriage scene at present.

Two Sides Of Same Coin

Marriage and family or other way round, have to go together.They are supposed to be two sides of the same coin.Marriage is a sacrosanct institution or a ‘necessary evil’ which has been going on and getting stronger for generations altogether. Not only this cements families within a locality but it also cut across boundaries of town, cities and countries.

Caste Endogamy, Clan Exogamy

Caste Endogamy together with Clan Exogamy has been a cornerstone or the very basis of our vibrant and viable social system. But now from Statics we seem to be moving to Dynamics.That is why one sees Inter sub caste, Inter caste, Inter community and Inter country marriages.

Two Distinct Trends

Such twists and turns have highlighted two Distinct trends:

Caste barriers are weakening if not breaking down and Uncalled for importance of dowry is diminishing or reducing.

But on the issue of stability, there is always concern in regard to former and incidence of dowry is being manifested in other forms, such as, lavish expenditures on rituals, however, restricted they may be and mind boggling expenditure during pre-wedding events and the marriage proper.

Relatives Cut You To Pieces

Meeting expenditures on vehicles and stay for the close relatives and friends is sizeable.It may be noted with a pinch of salt that such individuals would continue to be “distant” in the post-wedding scenario.

Marriage Customs

These vary from place to place. While north Indian marriages reflect “show off”, power and glory, in South it is simplicity, smile and serenity. Mostly main wedding day begins in the evening and concludes next morning. In good old days, it would be stretched upto afternoon followed by a rest, following which bridegroom family would be entitled to take the bride.

Mithila Customs

In the Mithila region of Bihar while Baraat party returns, bride and groom stay back for four days under the beautiful canopy of ” Kohbar”. Surprisingly they are not allowed bath durning this period. Even Lord Ram had to be “imprisoned” like this by Raja Janak.

Many marriages also take place in the first half, followed by a lavish post- wedding meal. Most of the South marriages and North Indian Sikhs and families having followers of two religions prefer day marriages.

Pre-Marriage Bash

Ceremonies, such as, Engagement, Cheka, Roka and Jaymala are relatively new. These have not only evolved over the years but are cutting into the pocket of meek fathers or guardians very rapidly. Now owing to these, boy and girl are supposed to be familiar with each other and same is displayed also prior to exchange of garlands. But sadly, there are instances of breakdown of desired link even prior to wedding proper.

Duration of Wedding

From one week earlier it has become two day affair. A good deal of expenditure should have been cut this way but that does not happen. In order to copy others people tend to go astray. There is no exercise of rationality. It has been observed that Men can be reasonable but Women go haywire. Who is not scared of his spouse ?

Bengali Customs

A word about Bengali marriages may be relevant. There is nothing called Mangal Sutra in such a marriage as in case of a marriage in South India. Churis (Bangles) hold vital significance for the bride.While Sankha is made from Sankh (Conch) of Lord Vishnu, Pola is made from red moonga procured from Sea. It denotes fertility and sexual health. Finally Loha Badhano, made of iron and gifted by the mother of bride is supposed to keep the couple away from all evils.

Suhaag Raat

With Suhaag Raat, wedding ritual is supppsed to be completed. But among the Bengalis, bride and bridegroom do not sleep together on the first night. They are, rather given a last chance to have a close feel of single life.

Seven Rounds

In most of the marriages bride and groom take vows seven times around the sacred fire. Among the Bengalis, the bride is lifted by her brother and takes such rounds around the groom or Jamai Babu.

How Two Day Affair Is Changing ?

From home, its movement to Marriage hall or Baraat Ghar to Resort for few hours to Occupation of a Farm House.

For two days, all “wanted” ones shift. People or relatives get INVITE as per their status. Its a new social evil making rounds. Invitations are such that mostly people owning four wheelers make it, not two wheel owners. A bunch gets invited for Lady Sangeet, another one for Mehandi, still another one for Haldi. There are however, some distinguished or exalted lots, invited for all the festivities.

New Dress Code Regime

Separate dress code, that is green for Menhdi and Yellow for Haldi becomes sacrosanct. Of all, dance masters are hired to train the ladies for a week or ten days to come upto expectations on the day of Sangeet and reception of the Baraat. So delicious cooking by women has made way for expensive caterers.

Imagine the expenditure on three different dresses which are not to be repeated in future.How do they store these later ?

In good old days attendance at marriage had the propensity to bind. Now it is other way round due to ” inclination to show”.At times, it is a mental block situation.

Relatives and invitees keep themselves confined to their allotted rooms and communication is essentially through Cell phone. Face to face talk is hardly noticed. No closeness, so no proximity, so no expected regard shown to elders. Its artificial relationship that takes over to disappear soon.

Reception of Baraat

At the time of Dwar Puja or reception of Baraat, lakhs and Crores of Rupees are blown or thrown which defy justification. According to an authentic survey conducted in Bangalore, 25% of food is thrown or wasted.

Earlier Bride would be escorted by young female relatives to the stage to see and meet the groom for the first time. It would be followed by Jai Maal (Jay Mala). Now both of them make it alone on the stage and white harmless smoke covers them partially before the exchange of garlands. Cheers from all around follow. As a backdrop, a film on LED screen would be shown, depicting pre marriage happenings, including kissing and hugging.Would be couple goes for such shoot with express consent of Parents, costing them between Rs 4 to Rs 6 lakhs. So guests have to believe that it is not an Union of strangers. By the way, they look like any other “made up” couple.

Age at marriage

It has already gone up beyond imagination.So any amount of expensive beauty treatment normally does not succeed.To make a hole in the pocket of Father, some other female relatives also go for heavy make up on the Wedding day. Since average age has become 30 to 35 in case of “girls” as compared to 33 to 38 for “boys”, fixed ideas, tastes and preferences rule the roost. 33 plus Mahila is not expected to touch feet and adjust.In good old days, by this time her child would have attained the age of ten to twelve years. As such, her decision during pre wedding phase and what to buy for would be in laws, matters beyond imagination. Long talks on Cell phone with the Fiancee and other family members are resorted to, much against parental advice. Even ‘secrets’ get divulged prior to consummation of wedding.

Since most of them work nowadays, ‘aged brides’ are not expected to cook. Air conditioners, Air Purifiers, Washing machines, ovens etc further become thorns in a relationship.

TO SUM UP

All said and done, in the new dispensation there is time and expenditure management if one cares for it. But the expected love and affection is waning.Why only adults, children too are not imbibing good manners from the elders. Touching of left feet by left hand has become common.

Needless to say, smell of unaccounted wealth is all pervading.In North India or in typical semi-feudal societes, gun fire also is on open display, often hurting or killing one or two.

One should be within means and not follow Ambanis or the Film stars. Customs and traditions are not only being set aside, these are bound to be forgotten one day.This is what had separated us from other cultures and civilisations.

Arrangements, such as, Pre Wedding counselling, Counselling for sustaining a marriage and Counslling for separation or for Divorce SHALL have to be avoided, unless necessary, in extreme circumstances.

Needless to say, District Courts pass on the burden of disputes to Family Courts. Advocates and Presiding officers can not refrain from giving dates after dates and demanding “favours” from the aggrieved. Really Sad.

Let us Follow, Preserve, Maintain and Sustain the Sacrament of Indian Marriage In The Interest Of Mankind in Our Country.

(The author is former Chief Secretary, Sikkim)